At least once or twice a month I come to this website, start to write, then delete or save what I started as a draft. I have ideas but never have the time to write when I am feeling inspired. I don’t always feel very spiritual so writing about my Road to Redemption (RTR) doesn’t always feel authentic, hence the multiple attempts to write. So I think what I am going to do here is occasionally post an update as to where I am at. I will try to cover the ups and the downs of that span of time and what I have learned. I will do my best to share in detail my struggles and how I overcome each of them. If I fell back into one, I will be admit it and share how I got myself out of it once again.
Journaling
I have been journaling every day for over a month now which has helped a lot. There were a few days I would forget, but I would go back and fill in what I could remember. I have a couple of places that I journal or make notes about my day now. I don’t always have my paper journal with me so I will use my phone which I always have on me. I have found that the days I am journaling both on paper and in Evernote I have more mental clarity and can recall more about those days later down the road. The simple act of getting it out of my head actually helps me retain it.
My wife and I have been a part of a small group for several years and last month our small group started going through the book of John using a Bible Journal. It’s pretty simple. It’s the book of John printed into a small book but every other page is a journal page. So I have also been journaling as we go through the book of John. It has been good for me because I have this problem with reading the Bible in which I feel like I have to understand every word and the intention behind it. I can’t just read the Bible, I have to read it and then consume a dozen commentaries on what I just read so I can really understand what was going on there. While there is nothing wrong with commentaries I think I have replaced them with just simply meditating on the scripture I just read and considering what the Lord is saying to me in that moment. That is the researcher in me. This journal has forced me to focus simply on how I feel when I read a passage. I still have a lot of growing to do in this area.
Every couple of days I have been doing a devotional from this booked titled “Mountains” written by the lead singer of one of my favorite bands, August Burns Red. It is definitely written differently than most other books and devotionals I have ever read are, it actually has profanity in it, but it’s been good. There are focus questions and scripture to journal on at the end of each devotional.
It’s safe to say that I have done more writing by pen in the last month than I have in at least the last ten years, maybe even longer. My handwriting is atrocious and my hand literally is in pain when I finish sometimes, but it’s worth it.
Prayer
During a counseling session last month we discussed my prayer life. My entire Christian life I have struggled with prayer. The biggest struggle was to make time to pray. I assumed that prayer was just like any other conversation I want to have with someone. I have to make time to converse with my wife. Catching up with a friend takes time as well. I ended up being a reactionary Christian just like most out there. I would only make time for prayer when the situation turned for the worst. But then I was told something so simple. I was told that I could be talking with God all day. I could invite God into the process of making my coffee in the morning. I could systematically walk through my day with God just as it was happening instead of coming to him at the end of a day with a recap like he hadn’t seen me all day. What a novel idea!
So I started talking to God. Yes it was weird at first but it started getting less weird really quick. As I was driving to a meeting I would actually be talking to God about it, explaining to him what I was going to discuss with my client and how I hoped they would react to it. When I left with a signed contract I would celebrate in my mind with Him, it didn’t need to be done out loud. This idea of being in constant conversation with God has changed my world. I don’t know why I felt like I had to be still, relaxed, and ready to invite God into a moment with me when he is there with me always regardless. I’m not sure why I put so much emphasis on how I felt when I tried to pray. Most of the time I was just fighting distraction to the point of giving up and then I would fall asleep when I tried to pray before bed. I still have a long way to go before I can say that I am always in conversation with the Lord. I still get distracted or I forget. I will turn on music out of habit while I drive rather than taking that time to talk about what’s on my mind with the one who created my mind.
Being Inspired
Lately I have been super inspired as I am in bed attempting to sleep. My day is over and I want to sleep but instead I lay there thinking about something. Last night I thought about this website for the better part of an hour. I should have gotten out of bed and started writing but instead I just ran ideas through my head. I woke up this morning remembering having been inspired to get back into this website, but most of the thoughts I was having are gone because I didn’t write them down or repeat them in my head enough times to remember them once I woke up.
I have to remember that it is ok if I get up out of bed and work on a project. I work from home now and have just about everything I would need near me. I don’t have anywhere to film a video or record a podcast in the middle of the night, but I could get up and write.
Distraction
A month and a half ago I realized that my office had become a rut. I would get up each morning feeling as if I had to rush to get to my office so I could get done what seemed like a mountain of work, only to procrastinate and end the day feeling like I wasted most of it. Though I would have some productive days here and there, this rut had become my normal. Since I no longer had any employees, there was no reason for the office, so one day I just decided it was time to get rid of it and I have been slowly working on doing that since.
I am in a lease until March so I can’t completely cut myself loose from the office yet. I still have a lot of equipment down there. I have been slowly going through it in an attempt to downsize as much as possible. I have a lot of stuff I used for a particular job and then put it in storage at my office. Over the years, that stuff has stacked up. I also get sent a lot of stuff from tech companies hoping I will talk about their products on my other websites or YouTube channels. So I soon hope to be free of all of that but for now I am working full time from home and have been enjoying the change in my routine. I still feel like I have to rush my morning to get started on work projects, but I am working on that.
I want my day to be a bit more broken up. My idea day would go something like this:
- 5 AM – Wake up and make some coffee
- 5:30 AM – Work for an hour or until the kids are awake
- 7:00 AM – Help the kids get ready for their day, have breakfast together
- 8:30 AM – Go to the gym or for a run for an hour
- 10 AM – Work until lunch
- 12 PM – Have lunch either with my wife or listen to a podcast
- 1 PM – Work for a few more hours
- 3 PM – Hang out with the kids when they get home from school
- 5 PM – Help prepare dinner/have dinner together
- 6 PM – Family time
- 8 PM – Spend time with my wife
- 9:30 PM – Go to the gym for an hour
- 11 PM – Go to bed
That would be ideal, but I allow myself to get distracted from even starting to get close to having a day like this. I can’t seem to get myself out of bed before 7 AM unless I have somewhere to be such as Men’s Group at church that I go to at 6 AM (when I manage to wake up for it) and the business networking group I attend each week. I don’t even have a gym membership right now, so I blame not being able to start living out that kind of day on that as well. I actually did sign up for a 7-day guest pass to a nearby gym but didn’t make it once.
But look how focused I am right now! I made it this far through my thoughts to get this many words down. I know it is possible. I have had a couple of breakthrough moments where I have acted while inspired, I just need to make it happen just as I made the decision to just talk to God all day over waiting for the perfect opportunity. The perfect opportunity almost never comes, especially when you have other people in your life who you can’t force into your mold.
Mental
Mentally, I have felt pretty good for a while now. I have not felt this in control of my thoughts and emotions in a long time, which is fantastic. I can only attribute it to being in conversation with the Lord. I have moments where I slip into negative self-talk or start thinking about something I know I shouldn’t be thinking about, but it is much easier to get out of that mindset when I just simply start talking to God. There is a time for focused prayer, and I have a lot of work to do there, but during the rest of my waking hours I am going to do my best to be in constant contact with God. It’s hard to talk negatively about yourself when you are talking to your creator. It’s hard to let your mind slip in the wrong direction when you are talking to Jesus. When it happens I can quickly catch myself and say, “what the heck was that Lord, how did I end up there?” Then I am back on track most of the time. Like I said, still a work in process.
Realization
Over the past month I have had more realizations about myself and my environment than I have had in ages and I know I can attribute that to the Lord because what else has changed? I would like to get in the habit of writing more, a lot more. The more I write the more I realize that I am a pretty insightful person. I don’t want that to sound like I a boasting because I am not. I am only enlightened to things because of the redemption work Jesus has already done in my life. If I was not chasing after Jesus I would be chasing my deamons instead. I have also felt the Lord tugging at me to use my life to reach others both for Him, but also to help others get out of the ruts I have climbed out of.
The reason I like the name of this website so much is because it aludes to the fact that becoming the redeemed is a lifelong process. I will not be fully redeemed until I am lifted up into heaven by my creator after taking my last breath. Many are ok with knowing that they will go to heaven one day because they asked Jesus into their life but I know that we are called to more than that. I know that men are not out there living their best lives right now. If anything, men are failing. Men and women are raising children who are not ready for the world and then those men are attacked for making poor choices when they were not fit to be in those situations in the first place. I’m not making excuses for anybody or placing blame on the generations before us. We all do the best we can with the information we have. The problem is that most people do not look inward far enough to recognize that they are missing something and then make an effort to fill that gap in understanding with good information. Instead we let the media, music, and the movie industry shape us, but the only thing they don’t want what is best for us. They just want to keep us numb so we continue to consume. I’m going to digress there because it’s not all doom and gloom.
Action
I am getting to the place where I have more freedom and that will lessen the barrier to me taking action on what inspires me and what I feel called to be focusing on. I have responsibilities and need to make sure I make enough money to cover our cost of living and put away a few dollars for later years in life. Closing my office and selling off a bunch of equipment I have not been using is a big part of that. Not having that overhead will help a lot. I also am really close to having enough monthly passive income and recurring income from my work that is pretty well locked in to not have to worry about getting new clients all the time. I have spent the last 20 years of my life constantly looking for new customers or clients, I now realize that I do not have to have that focus. The work I have been doing on the side and the relationships I have been cultivating with clients over the years has started to pay off and that means I can ease up on the accelerator pedal. I can’t take my foot off completely, and I don’t really want to, but I can relax and allow my mind room to consider other things that I have been wanting to work on.
I don’t know what the Lord has for me. I don’t believe that God has this one mission for me, I believe there is a lot He has for me. I want to make sure I have the room to take action when I feel led rather than push back with reasons why I can’t. I started 2018 with a ton of ambition and allowed myself to stay stuck in my ruts but I have taken control back and with the Lord’s direction, the rest of this year and next year are going to be amazing.
I usually would say something like, I can’t wait, but that is usually something we say when we actually do have to wait, but don’t want to. I’m starting now. Get out of my way self, you’re not going to block me from taking action again!
